May 2012
dad: such a diverse crowd in this restaurant tonight
me: oh really? [leaning in] count the black people
dad: [looking around]
me: [staring at dad]
dad: oh
me: yup
I bought a whole bunch of clothes online, a bunch of medium-size shirts and size 29 pants
and all of the shirts are too small and all of the pants fit perfectly
I actually have to buy large shirts oh my god my world is completely upside-down I’m so lost
3 tags
When you’re ordering food and you say “may I please have the _____” and the guy behind the register is like “no” and you look at him and he’s like “just kidding!”
cut it out that shit ain’t cute
Anonymous asked: are you the one who did some school prject with toast in your shower one time
HOLY SHITBITCH I GOT AN A- IN AN ENGINEERING CLASS THIS CALLS FOR CELEBRATION I’MMA BUY ME SOMETHING NICE
2 tags
WatchI am twenty years old
so is it creepy that I know what the super hot guy who goes to my gym drives and I get all excited when I get there and his car is in the parking lot
k that's it everybody I have to kill myself
blame/thank kyary
him: i need a legit manbag
him: [link to boring black padded laptop bag]
me: that's pretty manly
me: and by manly I mean hetero
me: and by hetero I mean utilitarian
me: and by utilitarian I mean utterly unappealing
Watchjjustin:
top 10 videos
this is the actual best thing ever in my life can I get this tattooed on my face
dad: I have a cool youtube to show you
me: hold on [writes this post]
is there something I can do to my user icon to make sure that people who don’t know who I am realize it’s a big deal when I like their posts
Sleigh Bells vs RL Grime: Beach Money
Hey guys I...
5 tags
my body is a machine that converts coffee into anxiety and urine
you know what's embarrassing?
dubstep
when looking at an attractive male
other gays: god i would fuck him so hard his ass would thank me
me: ohhh our children would be so cute and well-behaved
Myself and two tall gay friends of mine who have the same hair color and haircut as me walked up to a restaurant together, we get inside and I pointed out that we must have been quite the spectacle and at that moment this short gay black guy and his group of friends came up to us and asked if we were a boy band
may have accidentally called david urbanke a slut on his own facebook status
one might pose the question “how on earth do you accidentally call someone a slut”
to which I would respond simply “I’m INTP”
1 tag
When you go to the mall in the run down part of town, look around and realize you are the most attractive and best-dressed person who has been there for months
is there a facebook page for people who really...
Watchcrispyspacebacon:
fuckyeahdementia:
Name ten things that aren’t Skrillex
I love this video so much.
my gay realtor just posted on facebook that Raven...
why do I have a gay realtor
that’s so raven
1 tag
so, not unexpectedly, battleship is the worst movie I think I have ever seen
it was so southern and so aimed towards a nascar audience that I think I impregnated my cousin　
friend telling me about his night
me: wait so how many substances is that you have used tonight
him: well there was alcohol before the show, shrooms during, adderall at the end, and weed after. a girl offered me some cocaine at the end of the show but I thought that if I took it my life would be too similar to that of Jessica Simpson so I declined
me: so just as a final tally, tonight you used two downers, an upper and a hallucinogen, right?
him: I guess
me: how are you alive
him: am I?
omg where is my gameboy where is my ham ham heartbreak cartridge omgfhsajdklhsalghads